M03.05 My Safe Place Part II
by Jeremy ChanceWith 11 CommentsTop level Marketers understand human behaviour as well as, if not better, than top level Psychologists, Philosophers, Psychiatrists, Counsellors and Humanists.
Why?
Their livelihood depends upon it. Like Alexander, they start with how things are and theorize backwards. Practise and theory. They are quick to dump one theory in place of another, if it predicts behaviour more accurately than the one it supersedes.
Back in 1960, Neuroscientist Paul MacLean first proposed the triune brain theory – that our brain has three complexes that mimic the behaviour of reptiles, mammals and, well, us. The marketers quickly took ahold of this concept. I have heard it discussed at many of my biz seminars - it's attraction is it's simplicity, and how well it describes what we experience. We have great difficulty changing our behaviour – and often behave in "irrational" ways.
These days, marketers talk about the reptilian brain as the keeper of our safety. It's job is to keep us safe, to alert of us of any danger. Alexander's catch phrase for this was "unduly excited fear reflexes" and Walter Carrington taught me that a frightened person doesn't want to take any risks. Feeling danger, as I wrote in Part I, can be triggered by an environment that is unexpected…
A good friend of mine told me a story of a boy she adopted as a young child. The biological mother, who had lost the child through drug addiction, sobered up and found her son at my friend's place in New York. For three continuous days she howled on the footpath below the 13th story apartment where the child lived. The child listened. Eventually, she left. Years went by, and it appeared that the child had adjusted well until one day he came home to discover that the toilet had been renovated.
Inexplicable, he began howling, and continued uncontrollably for hours. My friend, an experienced therapist herself, spent many years wondering about this episode, and finally came to the conclusion that the change triggered an area of his brain that regulated safety. He had been through a life shattering change, and it was important his environment was stable. A sudden change triggered all the fear and terror of his forgotten past.
Is it true? I don't know, but why did the child howl so suddenly because the toilet had a different colour of paint? Your space can have a powerful effect, unconsciously so, on the safety of your clients. They may not even know why they feel how they feel, but it is important you to consider it.
Triggers can work the other way: a person who has a pleasurable experience spending money in your place will want to have that experience again. Michael Masterman, in his book Ready-Fire-Aim writes about the "buying frenzy" most of us have experienced at one time. We spend money on something that gives us pleasure – like buying clothes, adding to a collection, even stays in the hospital – and we keep wanting to repeat this experience because of a more deep seated desire that appears irrational, but still, we want it. Reptilian brain is about reproduction too. These are not "decision things", we are driven into behaviours we don't directly regulate, and the marketers know it. They run to the three brain theory to explain it.
What kind of space do you have? At BodyChance in Meguro we used wooden floors, hidden lighting and big windows to convey a sense of spaciousness and freedom, something natural and free. We put in glass walls to suggest openness, transparency and honesty.
Before he launched the Apple Store, Steve Jobs had an entire shop built in a field. It was never intended to be used, it was simply to figure out the "experience" Apple wanted you to have. Apple's New York Store now earns more per square foot than any other retail shop in the world. Previously it was Tiffanies, but now Apple surpasses them by a factor of 2.
Look around your studio now, either real or imagined, and decide what qualities you want to project. Your niche may not know what to expect, but they know when it is congruent with what they want. How? They feel safe and comfortable, and they want come back.
Which is exactly what you want them to want.
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Thank you, I work from my home, and am regularly complemented on it as a safe and private environment in which to work.
Today I have received my first request for a refund from a participant in an AT course I have just completed. Your post today is very resonant. This person wants a refund as she feels that although she enjoyed the two sessions she attended out of five, her back problems have been exacerbated. She phoned me to tell me that she wouldn't attend the last 3 sessions due to her back pain. I offered to give her a one-one lesson instead. The email today says she doesn't have time to take me up on my kind offer and is therefore asking for a refund. I wasn't quite sure how to respond. So I have drafted a reply and was waiting for clarity to appear before sending it. Now your post is helping me 'see' whats happening here. She's frightened and in pain that I know. It was her first experience of AT, she was reluctant to have any 1-1 lessons due to the cost. And of course the group has not delivered what a 1-1 lesson would have.
I am reluctant to offer a refund as I wonder if that will confirm in her mind that I and AT have made her back worse. This I'm not willing to do as of course it hasn't. Whatever I decide will I know be talked about locally. A refund could make her feel better about the money she's 'wasted' and therefore make her accept her back pain. But part of me thinks 'NO!' if I offer a refund, that is not allowing her to take responsibilty for her own actions. My feeling is someone else is persuading her that this AT stuff is 'no good'. Whether that's her husband / her physio, I'm not sure, but I know someone else is in the picture here.
Any advice from anyone who'e come across this sort of situation most gratefully received! What to do, for me it's not at all about the money for me here, it was be so much easier to refund the lessons she didn't have as she's requesting. But does that gesture help her? I think that gesture may harm me too and my business locally. Of course I don't know how she'll react if I say no. I do make clear that participants on the course must pay up in full beforehand, I now need to make clear that I don't offer refunds!
So glad to be a member of STAT today in case this gets 'nasty' :)
How unsettling for you, Angela. Personally, no, no refund. There's nothing you can do about her interpretation of this work, and you as a teacher of it; it will all be her story and she will tell it as she tells it, whatever you do. Sounds to me - and 'feels' it, too - as if she (possibly of course) is one who, at some level, doesn't want her back pain to go away. Meant gently, her response is typical 'victim', and this saying always comes to mind when I sense that in someone.... "There is nothing like the problem of trying to solve the problem of a person who's problem is that they don't want their problem solved." My gut feeling? Continue in your quiet direction as you already are; run your course with those still there, hold your word (to yourself, too) about fees being non-refundable, and allow this person to go on their way their way, knowing you are teaching a powerful work from a place of integrity and love (which you are, we can see you are!) and have nothing to feel you have to repay. We know pain can sometimes get worse before it gets better, but if students don't stay it out, or take the necessary personal responsibility to change - however scary - they don't make that discovery. Sad but true. And for some, there is nothing (I don't think) we can do to alleviate all the fear of change; it's only by living it that we all, as students, grow in the confidence necessary for inner trust. Bless you - thinking of you as you make your decision.
Refund the money. Immediately. Gratefully. Gracesly. Be as elegant and silent as you can. Any serious buinssess budgeting includes a provision for refunds. As your business grows, a request like this just goes to show that your business is moving to new levels. You say your "first" request, well darling - it won't be your last! Give it up, and get on.
I agree with Jeremy - give her her money back. Itʻs impossible to know what caused her back to get worse, but giving her a refund is not saying that it was your fault, itʻs just acknowledging that that particular class didnʻt fit her needs and doesnʻt have to. I had a student in one group class who suffered terrible migraines - hence her neck was very stiff from the pain. When she changed her use for the better, her migraines got worse instead of better - a total mystery but no one knows what causes migraines. I wish I could have refunded her money - neither one of us thought of it!
as this was a very scary experience for her and probably scared her off of the AT - perhaps rightly! - permanently. But she never caused any problems for me. I made it very clear from the outset that we did not know if the AT would help or not, but we would find out together. There you go!
Just for my clarification, Angela, is the refund for the whole course, or the three the lady hasn't attended? Whilst I might, just might, offer a refund for those, I would not for the two she attended, no. But that is just me, and certainly not a suggestion. Each of us must be able to do what feel right in each situation - and there is an ok 'rightness' in us in this; our 'gnowing'.
Since she feels that the AT has not helped, you have already lost that one. If you deny her a refund I imagine she would be more likely to harbor negative feelings about you. Sorry you are having to deal with such a tricky situation.
Thank you all!! Today is a new day! Have responded, we'll see what happens, all a learning curve...and yes I realise it won't be the last person who asks for a refund! Onwards and upwards :)
Well done Angela, onwards and upwards!
Well, there you go! How interesting. I would have given a refund years ago out of guilt, but I've worked on my guilt (not saying anyone else's reason for a refund is guilt led though) and, as long as I felt I had given of my best, 'listened' to all the direct and indirect feedback as much as I could, and not ignored any 'worrying feelings' during lessons, I wouldn't offer a refund. There are many things we all pay for in life that don't turn out quite as we expect, but that's where I put things down to simply being alive; the other end of the situation with a similar 'put it behind me and get on', but from me. Now I have what I think of as a stronger purpose to life, and don't capitulate like I used to; my time and my intention is valuable to me now. To date - and watch it change now ;-) - I have never had a request for a refund.... but I am learning much here, and have also learned in my rising years, 'never say never', so I'll watch with new awareness.
She wanted a refund for the three she didn't attend. As it happens I haven't said no to a refund...I offered to extend my offer of a 1-1 lesson any time she likes for up to a year from now. I've heard nothing back. If she comes back to me I will refund all three immediately. Somehow it felt important intuitively for me to give her some more information, I sent her the link to the BMJ study to read, I explained what I charge for the courses and how they run, and I explained our rigorous training and that 1600 hours of hands on training is there to protect the public we serve. I also reminded her of our original phone call, whereby I strongly recommended she had at least one individual lesson before agreeing to the course.
In 'my bones' I knew it wasn't right to offer a refund straight away in this particular case. I felt strongly that the gesture would backfire on me professionally. I now feel really relaxed with whatever she chooses to do. I feel completely safe in the knowledge that I've 'put her straight' on the interactions we have had, what AT is, so she may well have a different view of what's happened in between.
So, an interesting and a learning experience for me. I'm really grateful to you all too for your points of view. That helped me with my decision and I'm so comfortable with my actions now, very happy with whatever comes next. Thanks guys :)
Angela, that sounds really good - good on you. Feels like you supported your self, your teaching integrity, the AT, your experience, your wisdom, and have given this good lady the chance to stand in her own power in her own way; however she chooses she has had that gift of trust in her power from you. Neither capitulation, nor resistance, but conscious constructive thinking on behalf of so many factors - brilliant! :-D